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18 Funniest Mitch Hedberg Quotes

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18. I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

17. If you go to the grocery store and stand in front of the lunch meat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna -- somebody needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourself."

16. I’’m against picketing, but I don’’t know how to show it.

15. One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here’’s a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "Here’’s a picture of me when I’’m older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How’’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!"

14. Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out fliers, and when someone tries to hand me out a flier, it’’s kinda like they’’re saying, "Here, you throw this away."

13. My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She’’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

12. A lot of times, I’’ll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake. That doesn’’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’’t say a lot for the emergency brake.

11. I got a king sized bed. I don’’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’’d be comfortable. "Oh, you’’re a king, you say? Well you won’’t believe what I have in store for you! It’’s to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your lady friend, too!"


10. I like rice. Rice is great when you’’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

9. An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

8. I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’’t need a receipt for a doughnut. I’’ll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut -- end of transaction. We don’’t need to bring ink and paper into this.

7. My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really going on down there? Who is the real hero?

6. I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."


5. The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’’ll never be as good as a wall.

4. Alcoholism is a disease, but it’’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. "Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis"...one of those two doesn’’t sound right.

3. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

2. My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said "Mitch, don’’t use liquor as a crutch." I can’’t use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely f@cks up the way I walk. It ain’’t like a crutch, it’’s like a step I didn’’t see.

1. I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said "Sorry, we’’re closed." You don’’t have to be sorry. It’’s 3 a.m., and you’’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’’m not gonna walk by at ten and say, "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"


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